The timing of your nephew’s changes is interesting. The best age for changing jobs is 35. That’s when a person has good experience, can contribute from day 1, is not too expensive, and still has time and ability for learning in the new organization. Up till that age, older people pretty much help younger people. But on our 36th birthday we wake up no longer young and cute and we have to make more of our own way in the job. It may even be expected that we will start helping younger people.
Your nephew’s sudden resignation from his job must have shocked the family. Yet, we’ve been seeing a lot of 30-something men choosing to leave jobs. And, like your nephew, they typically do not know what they want to do instead, but often do the one thing they know to do: get out of the job that has too many problems.
First, you mentioned that your nephew is unsure of himself. This often happens when a son does not receive what I call The Blessing of the Father. Here is a link to a blog post I wrote at least a year ago. My thinking is more developed now, but this is a good start on the theory of The Blessing of the Father. https://www.healingthetiesthatbindyou.com/new-blog/2024/3/25/the-blessing-of-the-father
The main idea I’m working with now is that the Father tells us that we are worthy of all the good things that are due “this house,” like House of Windsor, This Family. The father in effect says, “This one brings honor on our House.” It’s archaic, but I’ve seen this play out for decades with men who have trouble getting a new job. (The Blessing of the Mother is that you belong in this family and are worthy to belong in it. She prepares the little one for moving out into the world – which in our culture is around kindergarten).
For boys, these Blessings play out in two ways: 1, young men need to know they can make their way in the world, and 2, their father is proud of them in their way of making their way in the world. For girls it’s that her father will act to protect her, including protect her right to pursue her chosen profession. But the blessings are expressed slightly differently. For non-binary and trans kids, it’s that the father is on their side, or holds both viewpoint blessings for them. (Like I said, it’s older than the hills, and it’s in us.)
Since your nephew is unsure of himself, and since his father has passed away, we can guess he did not fully receive his Father’s Blessing. If there is a man who was very close alongside his father – the father’s own brother or his best life-long friend - that man can tell your nephew that he remembers how and why he knows his father was proud of him. The man can also say that he is proud. It’s best if it’s someone really close to dad, at the time his son was born, who has known them your nephew’s whole life. It’s really good if they can stand close together so your nephew can feel the man’s emotions. And it must be the truth.[1]
Anything you remember that his father mentioned about his pride in his son, you could repeat to him, too. It has to be true. Your nephew will know if it’s not. If you have this type of memory, try to speak with your voice coming up from the floor – Not deep notes, necessarily, but the energy coming up through you. That feeling is what your nephew seems to be missing, why he feels uncertain about himself.[2]
It's really nice that the family wants to chip in to help him now that he is unemployed, but this is tricky. The most important thing is for the family to act consistently like they are certain he can make his way in the world, just like his father was certain. If they bail him out too much, no matter how often they say they have faith in him, he will get the message that he’s failing. It is true that the message that is sent is not always the message that is received.
However, an option is to ask him if he has a plan, or would he like to talk with someone about a transition plan. Family could help financially somewhat, but it’s important to not help all the way. And I prefer this to be part of a plan that your nephew can see two things: he is making his way in the world, and he belongs to a family that is loving and caring (good things coming into This House).
You mentioned you would like to contribute to him in some way. An option you may want to consider is to help him afford networking. This could be paired with a goal, say 2 in-person appointments a week – coffee, breakfast, or lunch, say. I would keep the amount of money and goal numbers low, like $20/week to start with. As he has the meetings, which I hope he’ll tell you a bit about, you can show you are proud of him, that it’s not easy to meet strangers over and over, until you get the hang of it.
(Also, it’s good if he touches back with people – all the good relationship building skills that you are so good at. But let the networkers coach him – you just be proud of this part. He has to make his way in the world.) Mostly, I wouldn’t want him to not network because he can’t afford it. He does not have to pay for the people he meets with.[3]
A strategy for your nephew to give himself time to make the changes he is seeking (and those that are seeking him) is to get a part time, in-person job. This is so he has to get up, shower and go to work every day. The idea is to keep subsistence income coming in, but leave time for career change, as well as grieving. Third, it will be encouraging for him to engage with other people regularly. And he will feel his competence, and/or remember why he went to college. And it would be really good for his mom to not deplete her resources.
Ohio Means Jobs is a useful resource for finding work and/or career opportunities. They can even help your nephew get training. They will have part time and temp work for him, too, since he’s not on unemployment.
There are good job search support groups around. He can look for them when he is ready. They’re mostly online. But right now, I think he needs in-person, friendly conversations, to feel that the world is benign (safe and friendly), interested in him, and helpful, more than he needs to answer the question, What are you going to do next?
Circling back to the beginning, the work of a job search will be harder and longer if your nephew doesn’t have a strongly clear knowing that he is worthy to reside, to belong in and receive the benefits of, his father’s house. I never thought I would come around to this way of thinking. I do not mean that women are so delicate that they always need protecting and sheltering, or that men should be hunter-gatherers hacking their way through the jungle. We live in modern times. But these ancient patterns do make themselves known from time to time. The are mighty and will not be denied both in the obstacles they throw up, and the doors they throw open.
Thank you for trusting me with someone so precious to you,
[1] If the father was a complete jerk, then a grandfather or ancestor may be worthy. But the best thing is to find something worthy, honorable in the father.
[2] I know this stuff sounds crazy. It’s taken me decades to be willing to speak it. But I’ve seen this dynamic over and over and the last couple years this pattern has been especially prominent in this age group of men.
[3] Timothy, you and these readers have heard me say this a thousand times, but it bears repeating here: You do not need a job. You need relationships through which job offers can come. In this case, your nephew first needs relationships in which he sees himself as worthy of receivng the Blessing of his Father. Then the barrier will be removed so he can receive the job a terrific employer is offering him.
